I got this story from another blog on here called Hotaru's Portal. It's a really sweet story that put a smile on my face and I hope it can do the same for anyone else that is reading this. Thanks for letting me post this, Hotaru Tomoe!
The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Fully Alive!
On May first was the jerk offs birthday celebration. His girlfriend, his friend, my youngest brother, my youngest brothers friend, my parents, my grandparents, and surprisingly my light was all here at my house eating dinner and cake, I was so excited! My light! Here! At my house! I changed my outfit five times! lol! Im such a girl! haha! It was an amazing night! The jerk, his girl friend, and his friend were in the basement watching some odd movie while my light and I sat on the porch watching Aladdin. My parents thought we were nuts but we both had an amazing time! Half way into the movie it started to rain. My light wanted to go inside because he didnt want me to get cold but instead I sprinted off the porch and into the rain. As I twirled with my face tilted up toward the cloudy heavens I felt so alive! Every inch of me was full and whole once more. Even though my light did not dance with me I could feel his happiness mix with mine. After I finally sat back on the porch we finished Aladdin and started to listen to music and cuddling. That was when he kissed me. I cant remember if it was during the song We Didn't Start The Fire or If You Only Knew, but it happen. I was in his arms and our noses touched and that was that. I fainted when he kissed me. Rather pathetic and girly I know but I guess thats what I am! lol. It still gives me butterflies thinking about it now. His lips on mine. So soft and slow. There was no pain, no rush, no force. It was something I had never felt before. All the happiness inside me bursted and flowed through my every vain. I love him and he loves me. It was as if the world only spun for us. We were the only things that mattered, the only ones there. Rather selfish, I know, but thats how it felt. Beautifully selfish and surprisingly I didn't care. He was so worried when I fainted and had gently propped me up and even though I made a fool of myself fainting, we kissed again. I think we kissed three times sitting on that porch with my computer out of batter life, the porch light off and the pitter patter of rain. At one point he asked me if I knew what song would be good to sing at the moment. My light was trying to be cute and meant the song Happy, but what do I say instead? "The wheels on the bus go round and round." lol!! I would say something like that! It slipped out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think about it. I do that a lot. hahaha! After I drove him home with the jerk in the back seat because after I had to go get my youngest brother who had went to the movies with his friend, and my parents were worried about me driving at night. Even though I didn't get a kiss good bye, I got to hug my light and hugs are the most wonderful thing in the world!
May fourth, I presented my speech on PTSD. I was so afraid and nervous that I was shaking. I had read it to my light at lunch that day and as I did so, he held me and reminded me that he was there. It helped a bit but once in front of my class I was almost a complete wreak. I was lucky that I didn't run out of the room. The podium that I had to stand at was shaking underneath my arms and I tried so hard to look at everyone but in all truth, it was a blur. The important thing though is that I did it. When it was over a girl in my class actually asked me questions and said that she was interested in learning more and helping people with PTSD, depression, ADD/ADHD, and the like. I couldn't believe that someone actually cared enough to ask questions. It was wonderful. When I got out of class my light was there and when I told him that I did it he was so proud of me and couldn't stop smiling. The next time I had that class though, my grade was given to me along with comments from a few of my classmates. I got an A- not bad but I could have done better. What really annoys me though is the boy who commented on my opening. It was suppose to grab the readers attention and I, thinking that everyone has had something bad happen to them that they want to forget, told the class to imagine that bad thing happening to them over and over and they couldn't stop it. Well, this boy put down that it didn't grab his attention at all. I mean, who puts that on a comment? He didn't even put down what I could have done instead! he just said it didn't grab his attention! How could it not?! Has he never had something bad happen to him? In all his life?! How I wish I could be him! To never have anything bad happen to me. Or maybe he doesn't have any imagination at all! Or perhaps he wanted a percent. Some sort of number. But that is dehumanizing. Numbers are an inanimate object! I feel as though he told me it was boring. As if he didn't like my speech at all. Like he doesn't even care and never will. He is someone who needs to be slapped across the face. He's someone who will sit and say, "Its not happening to me so why should I care?" How I wish I could slap him or at least talk to him. How could he think like that! Any way, everyone in my class is avoiding me now. I just feel so odd in it. I feel like everyone is waiting for an out burst or melt down. I hope they wont ever see one. I'll be putting up my speech as soon as I can get it on to this computer. If I do have anyone out there reading this, please tell me what you think of it when it is. Thank you.
Friday, the seventh of May, My light and I spent the day together. School, work, an art show where one of my friend's photography was showing along with other girls drawings and other art work, the schools talent show, then (as suggested by my dad) Barnes and Noble. It was beautiful! At the art show I got to coo over my friends art and make one girl feel like at least someone liked her art. I knew her from a class but not well and my light knew her too. We talked with her for a while about her art and school. I felt bad for her because hardly anyone was going over and looking at her art. It wasn't bad at all either. It truly was good. She had a lot of water colours but it looked like it was painted with actual paint! We stayed for a little over an hour then left for the talent show. It was raining again in big drops but it hadn't really mattered. I was with my light who had stayed at my side the whole time. It was a little weird when one of my guy friends came up to me to say hi. I have suspected that he has liked me for a while now and I wanted to hug him but not really and I was surprised that he was there. He looked out of place and because I didn't know what to do I kind of turned my back on him to try and collect myself but when I looked again he was on the other side of the room. I was glad for that. It would had been even more weird if he had still been there. I only saw him once more when he left and he even said goodbye. I know I hurt his feelings and I know I could have handled that better but I really wasn't thinking... I need to do that more often. Anyway, once my light and I said our goodbyes and went to the talent show it was smooth sailing. My panda (what I call one of my friends) lead us to a row in the back that was mainly deserted and called it the best spot in the house. It was a rather good talent show. We had a few pretty good bands and singers and even dancers but the best was my light next to me and despite the arm rest he still tried to cuddle me. He even kissed me on the cheek and nose a few times and because I could reach I could kiss him on the cheek back (yes I am that short! haha!). We didn't kiss on the lips. We both don't like doing that in public. I say because it's something privet and he says it's less sincere in public.... If we ever get married it will be an odd ceremony! Anyway, after the talent show we both didn't want to go home so I called my dad to check in and told him that we wanted to do something but weren't sure what, he suggested Barnes and Noble. Yes, I called my dad and asked him what I should do with my boyfriend! I'm odd like that! When we got there we started to talk and hug and all of the sudden we started to kiss. I fainted, again. I couldn't help it. My light had to prop me up again but I only flopped back over. Once I got my breath back he started to kiss me again. We kissed for so long and yet it still wasn't rushed. We didn't make out.. at least I don't think we did... what is making out anyways......if it has to do with wondering hands then we didn't, but if it's just kissing for a long time and nothing else then I guess we did...lol. Any way, when I was recovering and trying to calm my breathing, my light spotted my two friends outside of Barnes and Noble. The one who I though I lost and my other friend. My light and I spent a very hyper hour with them. I was mainly the source of hyper but it was beautiful and so full of life. I felt like my old self again and all could see just how happy and whole my light has made me. As for the friend that I thought I had lost and me, I think we're going to be okay. I kept waiting for an uncomfortable silence, but none came. Probably because while I was chasing around my other friend she would talk to my light. Or maybe I was just way to hyper! After they had left and after I called my dad to say I was on my way home, my light and I started to talk and cuddle again. We started kissing once more. Even though I knew I had to get home, I couldn't help it. Kissing is addicting! This time, even though it was still soft, I could feel my lights teeth slide lightly cross my lip or his tongue tasting it. I don't know where he learned to do that in the hour we were in the parking lot and the store but it felt nice. The tongue kind of scared me though. I knew if he had put it in my mouth I would had shut down or spazzed out or something. That was something my brother had done and I know that I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I know that if I had spazzed out he would have understood but I would still feel like I hurt him. A spazzing out girlfriend because of something you did has bound to have some effect on a guy.
May fourth, I presented my speech on PTSD. I was so afraid and nervous that I was shaking. I had read it to my light at lunch that day and as I did so, he held me and reminded me that he was there. It helped a bit but once in front of my class I was almost a complete wreak. I was lucky that I didn't run out of the room. The podium that I had to stand at was shaking underneath my arms and I tried so hard to look at everyone but in all truth, it was a blur. The important thing though is that I did it. When it was over a girl in my class actually asked me questions and said that she was interested in learning more and helping people with PTSD, depression, ADD/ADHD, and the like. I couldn't believe that someone actually cared enough to ask questions. It was wonderful. When I got out of class my light was there and when I told him that I did it he was so proud of me and couldn't stop smiling. The next time I had that class though, my grade was given to me along with comments from a few of my classmates. I got an A- not bad but I could have done better. What really annoys me though is the boy who commented on my opening. It was suppose to grab the readers attention and I, thinking that everyone has had something bad happen to them that they want to forget, told the class to imagine that bad thing happening to them over and over and they couldn't stop it. Well, this boy put down that it didn't grab his attention at all. I mean, who puts that on a comment? He didn't even put down what I could have done instead! he just said it didn't grab his attention! How could it not?! Has he never had something bad happen to him? In all his life?! How I wish I could be him! To never have anything bad happen to me. Or maybe he doesn't have any imagination at all! Or perhaps he wanted a percent. Some sort of number. But that is dehumanizing. Numbers are an inanimate object! I feel as though he told me it was boring. As if he didn't like my speech at all. Like he doesn't even care and never will. He is someone who needs to be slapped across the face. He's someone who will sit and say, "Its not happening to me so why should I care?" How I wish I could slap him or at least talk to him. How could he think like that! Any way, everyone in my class is avoiding me now. I just feel so odd in it. I feel like everyone is waiting for an out burst or melt down. I hope they wont ever see one. I'll be putting up my speech as soon as I can get it on to this computer. If I do have anyone out there reading this, please tell me what you think of it when it is. Thank you.
Friday, the seventh of May, My light and I spent the day together. School, work, an art show where one of my friend's photography was showing along with other girls drawings and other art work, the schools talent show, then (as suggested by my dad) Barnes and Noble. It was beautiful! At the art show I got to coo over my friends art and make one girl feel like at least someone liked her art. I knew her from a class but not well and my light knew her too. We talked with her for a while about her art and school. I felt bad for her because hardly anyone was going over and looking at her art. It wasn't bad at all either. It truly was good. She had a lot of water colours but it looked like it was painted with actual paint! We stayed for a little over an hour then left for the talent show. It was raining again in big drops but it hadn't really mattered. I was with my light who had stayed at my side the whole time. It was a little weird when one of my guy friends came up to me to say hi. I have suspected that he has liked me for a while now and I wanted to hug him but not really and I was surprised that he was there. He looked out of place and because I didn't know what to do I kind of turned my back on him to try and collect myself but when I looked again he was on the other side of the room. I was glad for that. It would had been even more weird if he had still been there. I only saw him once more when he left and he even said goodbye. I know I hurt his feelings and I know I could have handled that better but I really wasn't thinking... I need to do that more often. Anyway, once my light and I said our goodbyes and went to the talent show it was smooth sailing. My panda (what I call one of my friends) lead us to a row in the back that was mainly deserted and called it the best spot in the house. It was a rather good talent show. We had a few pretty good bands and singers and even dancers but the best was my light next to me and despite the arm rest he still tried to cuddle me. He even kissed me on the cheek and nose a few times and because I could reach I could kiss him on the cheek back (yes I am that short! haha!). We didn't kiss on the lips. We both don't like doing that in public. I say because it's something privet and he says it's less sincere in public.... If we ever get married it will be an odd ceremony! Anyway, after the talent show we both didn't want to go home so I called my dad to check in and told him that we wanted to do something but weren't sure what, he suggested Barnes and Noble. Yes, I called my dad and asked him what I should do with my boyfriend! I'm odd like that! When we got there we started to talk and hug and all of the sudden we started to kiss. I fainted, again. I couldn't help it. My light had to prop me up again but I only flopped back over. Once I got my breath back he started to kiss me again. We kissed for so long and yet it still wasn't rushed. We didn't make out.. at least I don't think we did... what is making out anyways......if it has to do with wondering hands then we didn't, but if it's just kissing for a long time and nothing else then I guess we did...lol. Any way, when I was recovering and trying to calm my breathing, my light spotted my two friends outside of Barnes and Noble. The one who I though I lost and my other friend. My light and I spent a very hyper hour with them. I was mainly the source of hyper but it was beautiful and so full of life. I felt like my old self again and all could see just how happy and whole my light has made me. As for the friend that I thought I had lost and me, I think we're going to be okay. I kept waiting for an uncomfortable silence, but none came. Probably because while I was chasing around my other friend she would talk to my light. Or maybe I was just way to hyper! After they had left and after I called my dad to say I was on my way home, my light and I started to talk and cuddle again. We started kissing once more. Even though I knew I had to get home, I couldn't help it. Kissing is addicting! This time, even though it was still soft, I could feel my lights teeth slide lightly cross my lip or his tongue tasting it. I don't know where he learned to do that in the hour we were in the parking lot and the store but it felt nice. The tongue kind of scared me though. I knew if he had put it in my mouth I would had shut down or spazzed out or something. That was something my brother had done and I know that I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I know that if I had spazzed out he would have understood but I would still feel like I hurt him. A spazzing out girlfriend because of something you did has bound to have some effect on a guy.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Freak out.
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I never want to be in love again. It's stupid. It's all hype. Thats it. You get all excited and then it's all one big let down from there. I hate careing for someone more then a friend and I hate being paranoid and I hate being distracted by a person when in the end you guys just are best friends who hold hands and kiss. It's a stupid hype and I cant get around my doubt that anyone could love me and I'll end up like the lady in this one song if Im not careful and I dont want that. Love is stupid. My little kidself was right to think so. I am the one with the problem. I hate love. I really do. I hate being the girl who is happiest when I'm with him. I hate always thinking of him. I hate worrying over a guy. I hate crying over a guy. I hate it I hate it I hate it! its weak and stupid. I wont. I refuse. I wont be tricked. I dont think this will ever go away. People are stupid, love is stupid. Everything is stupid and I dont want it any more. He hasnt given me a reason to doubt him but hasnt given me a reason not to. No one ever has. Fuck the world. It's greatest scam was love. We're just here as someones sick idea of entertainment. probably an alien experiment or something. Maybe we dont even exsist so who needs love. All it does is over populate the world causeing more and more shitty problems that need to be fixed which will cause another proplem and so on. The end of the world better end in an explosion or else I wont be satisfied. If we just staied a big blob of rock and lava and fire it would have been better. People screw up the world and each other. People say they love eachother all the time. Next thing you know they are married for 20 years, have kids and the guy is cheating and the womans a whore, the kids are messed up and it all started with the stupid words of "I love you." and the idiotic beleif that the other meant it. Im not going to participate in that. Im just not capable of love and Im okay with that because everyone cheats and lies and destroy. There is no way around it. People deserved to be understood. Loved, no. For all i know love is just a deep understanding and apresiation for another person who understands you. Love is just a word. nothing more. I refuse to beleive in a hype, a trick, a measly word. I wont be the one who gets hurt and turned into a blubbering baby who cant stand on my own. At least I can say I tried. I just got out before it took over. He thinks it's love now but he'll get over it.
Thats it. Im done
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Sadly that is an exert from what I wrote to my best friends during my freak out on the 27th of April. Soon after I started to force myself to believe all of those horrible words my chest started to tighten. I couldn't breath and every time I tried it hurt so much. The pain wouldn't stop no matter what I did. I was so scared. How can any one as amazing as my light love someone as messed up as me? Someone who is so broken that they can hardly stand on their own. I don't know how he dose it. I know I wouldn't be able to. Perhaps thats why I have had a hard time keeping to nasty little doubting and loathing voices locked away. But now I believe him, with all my heart because even after I told him all of the above he responded with this; "Everyone else would say I'm crazy, but I don't care that you said all that stuff. I still love you just as much as I did before I read what you said. Except now I really want to give you a hug so you can come and see love as more than just a word and a stupid emotion." We talked about it a bit afterwords and I couldn't stop myself from telling him that I was sorry. I felt as though I had hurt him deeply, something I have never wanted to do, but he just told me that I didn't have to be. The next day I still felt some of the pain that I had caused myself. It was like bruises all around my heart and lungs. I never thought that it would go away I had even written two poems about it. Once I told my light abut the pain and how if I had kept it i probably would have put myself in the hospital it disappeared. I'm not sure how my light can erase my pain but he can and he does.
I never want to be in love again. It's stupid. It's all hype. Thats it. You get all excited and then it's all one big let down from there. I hate careing for someone more then a friend and I hate being paranoid and I hate being distracted by a person when in the end you guys just are best friends who hold hands and kiss. It's a stupid hype and I cant get around my doubt that anyone could love me and I'll end up like the lady in this one song if Im not careful and I dont want that. Love is stupid. My little kidself was right to think so. I am the one with the problem. I hate love. I really do. I hate being the girl who is happiest when I'm with him. I hate always thinking of him. I hate worrying over a guy. I hate crying over a guy. I hate it I hate it I hate it! its weak and stupid. I wont. I refuse. I wont be tricked. I dont think this will ever go away. People are stupid, love is stupid. Everything is stupid and I dont want it any more. He hasnt given me a reason to doubt him but hasnt given me a reason not to. No one ever has. Fuck the world. It's greatest scam was love. We're just here as someones sick idea of entertainment. probably an alien experiment or something. Maybe we dont even exsist so who needs love. All it does is over populate the world causeing more and more shitty problems that need to be fixed which will cause another proplem and so on. The end of the world better end in an explosion or else I wont be satisfied. If we just staied a big blob of rock and lava and fire it would have been better. People screw up the world and each other. People say they love eachother all the time. Next thing you know they are married for 20 years, have kids and the guy is cheating and the womans a whore, the kids are messed up and it all started with the stupid words of "I love you." and the idiotic beleif that the other meant it. Im not going to participate in that. Im just not capable of love and Im okay with that because everyone cheats and lies and destroy. There is no way around it. People deserved to be understood. Loved, no. For all i know love is just a deep understanding and apresiation for another person who understands you. Love is just a word. nothing more. I refuse to beleive in a hype, a trick, a measly word. I wont be the one who gets hurt and turned into a blubbering baby who cant stand on my own. At least I can say I tried. I just got out before it took over. He thinks it's love now but he'll get over it.
Thats it. Im done
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Sadly that is an exert from what I wrote to my best friends during my freak out on the 27th of April. Soon after I started to force myself to believe all of those horrible words my chest started to tighten. I couldn't breath and every time I tried it hurt so much. The pain wouldn't stop no matter what I did. I was so scared. How can any one as amazing as my light love someone as messed up as me? Someone who is so broken that they can hardly stand on their own. I don't know how he dose it. I know I wouldn't be able to. Perhaps thats why I have had a hard time keeping to nasty little doubting and loathing voices locked away. But now I believe him, with all my heart because even after I told him all of the above he responded with this; "Everyone else would say I'm crazy, but I don't care that you said all that stuff. I still love you just as much as I did before I read what you said. Except now I really want to give you a hug so you can come and see love as more than just a word and a stupid emotion." We talked about it a bit afterwords and I couldn't stop myself from telling him that I was sorry. I felt as though I had hurt him deeply, something I have never wanted to do, but he just told me that I didn't have to be. The next day I still felt some of the pain that I had caused myself. It was like bruises all around my heart and lungs. I never thought that it would go away I had even written two poems about it. Once I told my light abut the pain and how if I had kept it i probably would have put myself in the hospital it disappeared. I'm not sure how my light can erase my pain but he can and he does.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Worrying.
My mom told me that I was becoming very snotty the otherday. Something that she has been telling me all year. She blamed it on my friends and my light. Thats why I'm always reluctant to tell her about my light or my friends. My mom truly doesn't understand because when she was young she was so much more different then I am. I know. She's told me stories. She had friends who were drug addicts and backstabbers. My mom doesn't know how important or how a friend can be closer then family because she never had a true one. She was also the one that had tons of guy friends and she even dated five at a time once. I really hate it when my mom blames my friends or someone else for my behavior. It's not true! I am responsible for my own actions. I am not easily impressionable. I don't have bad friends, I have amazing ones who basically are my family. If she thinks them so bad then she really needs to look in the mirror and remember her friends. She hasn't even met half of mine! When ever I get in a fight with a friend she acts as if I had gotten rid of something distasteful and tells me I they weren't good enough for me! You would think that after me going through elementary school with hardly any friends, she, as a mother, would be glad that I have as many friends as I do and help me keep the really close ones and help me solve a fight instead of encouraging it. I know that I am going to have to fight with her about that all my life... stupid mom... sorry I had to say that. Another thing she talked about was me not hugging my brother, the monster, the jerk. He has been whining at her and anyone that would listen about me not hugging him any more. At first she ignored him or told him to grow up but I guess she is sick of his complaining like a spoiled fucking jackass baby. Sorry for my language. I'm not NOT NOT NOT under any circumstances going to hug that dumb assed sick-o. He can shove it and so can my mom, its NOT happening! Sometimes I wish she would just figure it out. Sometimes I wish I could give her the poem that I wrote on it. I can hardly stand to look at him let alone his touch. I feel like I have to take a shower after it. Even if I feel his eyes on me I want to shower or run away.
Its been two months officially that I have been with my light. We didn't really do anything but I did go and see the school play that he was in and after we hung out around the school talking with my best friend. It was amazing. He held me and I felt as though all the world was right. Once my friend left my light and I got into my van and couldn't think of anything to do. We are both rather odd like that. Ten o'clock at night, two teens, a van, no where to go and what do we do? We drive to a cemetery and end up turning around because I was afraid that the zombie apocalypse would start and the zombies would attack my van. Yeah. I'm interesting like that. After that I took him home. I kind of wish we have done more. He has been so stressed lately, he forgot to say goodnight last night. sigh. It was a little thing and not really a big deal but it still worried me. Im a worry wart but I do have a right to worry, thats how I be careful. I don't know why Im worrying though. He tells me that he loves me and that he doesn't want to hold me back. And there go's the other voice saying he feels that now but will he feel that later? GAH!! I need to learn how to shut up the voice of doubt. Will the feeling ever go away so that I might love freely and without worrying all the time? I don't want to end up like the girl in the Flyleaf song Circle. The lady in the song didn't believe that her fiance loved her and one night she followed him thinking that he was cheating on her and confronted him. When she turned to leave a robber came out of no where and threatened to kill her. The man ended up giving his life for her. The lady ended up learning that he really did love her too late. I don't want that to happen to me. EVER. It would destroy me. I should do something to make us closer. I'm always busy and it's not fair towards him. Maybe I'll cancel my weekend plans and spend saturday with him... wow... never thought I would do that.... cancel plans just because of a boy.... great... now my stubborn streak is coming out. I need to get a hold on my emotions again. They have been running ramped for far to long.
Its been two months officially that I have been with my light. We didn't really do anything but I did go and see the school play that he was in and after we hung out around the school talking with my best friend. It was amazing. He held me and I felt as though all the world was right. Once my friend left my light and I got into my van and couldn't think of anything to do. We are both rather odd like that. Ten o'clock at night, two teens, a van, no where to go and what do we do? We drive to a cemetery and end up turning around because I was afraid that the zombie apocalypse would start and the zombies would attack my van. Yeah. I'm interesting like that. After that I took him home. I kind of wish we have done more. He has been so stressed lately, he forgot to say goodnight last night. sigh. It was a little thing and not really a big deal but it still worried me. Im a worry wart but I do have a right to worry, thats how I be careful. I don't know why Im worrying though. He tells me that he loves me and that he doesn't want to hold me back. And there go's the other voice saying he feels that now but will he feel that later? GAH!! I need to learn how to shut up the voice of doubt. Will the feeling ever go away so that I might love freely and without worrying all the time? I don't want to end up like the girl in the Flyleaf song Circle. The lady in the song didn't believe that her fiance loved her and one night she followed him thinking that he was cheating on her and confronted him. When she turned to leave a robber came out of no where and threatened to kill her. The man ended up giving his life for her. The lady ended up learning that he really did love her too late. I don't want that to happen to me. EVER. It would destroy me. I should do something to make us closer. I'm always busy and it's not fair towards him. Maybe I'll cancel my weekend plans and spend saturday with him... wow... never thought I would do that.... cancel plans just because of a boy.... great... now my stubborn streak is coming out. I need to get a hold on my emotions again. They have been running ramped for far to long.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Time to get you all caught up on the latest. Sorry for the neglect.
My light kissed me on the cheek the fourteenth. I was shocked. As my light held me in his arms I kept wondering if my light would, wondering how I would react, and just as I was about to let go my light kissed me and all the world stood still. I remember sinking into his arms and my mind starting to spin. I was suddenly so light. My mind was a feather, the place where my light's lips had touched tingled for hours after, even now I can feel the faint tingle. It was just a kiss on the cheek, nothing big nor romantic, it was just plain cute, and I could not have been happier. For a moment nothing mattered and when my light let go, after I had remembered the others waiting for us, My light went ahead as I stopped and leaned up against a shelf. I felt so light I was amazed that I wasn't floating right off the earth. So much happiness was rushing through me I seriously felt like I was on drugs or had used harsh cleaning chemicals with the door shut. The smile on my face just wouldn't leave. That goofy smile that is meant for only him, my light. When I got home I suspected that his lips had made a mark but none was visible. Nothing could lessen my happiness and that night I fell asleep with a smile on my face, in my own room.
The next morning though, my mom couldn't find the van keys and I was blamed of course. The day progressed to be a bit better even though most of it was spent in the van with him, my brother, the monster, the jerk off. The weekend was bad though. So bad. Friday night I started crying. I felt so pitiful and lost and alone. Im not even sure what triggered it, seeing as how I was at my grandparents house for the weekend to watch their year old german short-haired puppy and not at mine. The sadness stopped me from helping my best friend and I had left her without saying goodbye, which in turn made me feel useless. It truly is dangerous for me to be left alone with my thoughts for too long. The sadness lasted untill almost eight o'clock on saturday when my light called me on my cell phone. We hardly talked about anything at all but it brightened my mood immensely. His voice is the only thing that can calm me down and make me happy again when I am in that state. I cant explain why or how, but it is the truth, he is my light and I want to keep it that way forever.
Yesterday I sent my friend, the one I thought that I had lost, lyrics to two songs by the Beetles . Hey Jude and All You Need is Love. I told her that I wasn't saying that I was sorry, just that I missed her. It had been a while since I had actually tried to make progress with her and neither of us said sorry, though, I wish she had actually said the word instead of the round about way we are both fond of doing. We ended up talking about books and our favorite television show Doctor Who. It reminded me why she is my 'sister'. Things are still a bit shaky between us. I'm not sure if we'll ever be as close as before but at least we are on speaking terms. She was/is in my life for too long and far too much for me to just simply erase her from it. It's sisterly love. It's unexplainable, like all love I guess. I just hope we wont fight again.
For my study skills class we have to do research on a topic and make a speech on it. I chose PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm a bit worried because the kids in the class are not the most mature nor the smartest but I have decided that I don't care. If I'm typing this blog for anyone in the world to read I might as well do a speech on PTSD. Besides, it will give me a good opportunity to help myself and to have an excuse as to why Im looking it up when I get caught. It really is scary when I look back on how horrible I use to be. The long sleepless nights, the unbearable pain, the tears. Luckily I had found strength to not loose myself completely and give up. Luckily I had my best friend and later my light to help me. I turned out to be my own physiologist, though I know I only hurt myself deeper sometimes but I am one of the few that have almost made it out on my own. Sometimes the darkness swallows me again but I always find the strength to ask for help and to take it and to let myself get better. Someday I hope everyone finds a way to leave the darkness completely behind and just be happy. Cast off the shadows and chains of pain and fly like we are suppose to. I hope we can all believe someday that it was not our fault and that we deserve to be living and thriving and living joyously. It is our right.
The next morning though, my mom couldn't find the van keys and I was blamed of course. The day progressed to be a bit better even though most of it was spent in the van with him, my brother, the monster, the jerk off. The weekend was bad though. So bad. Friday night I started crying. I felt so pitiful and lost and alone. Im not even sure what triggered it, seeing as how I was at my grandparents house for the weekend to watch their year old german short-haired puppy and not at mine. The sadness stopped me from helping my best friend and I had left her without saying goodbye, which in turn made me feel useless. It truly is dangerous for me to be left alone with my thoughts for too long. The sadness lasted untill almost eight o'clock on saturday when my light called me on my cell phone. We hardly talked about anything at all but it brightened my mood immensely. His voice is the only thing that can calm me down and make me happy again when I am in that state. I cant explain why or how, but it is the truth, he is my light and I want to keep it that way forever.
Yesterday I sent my friend, the one I thought that I had lost, lyrics to two songs by the Beetles . Hey Jude and All You Need is Love. I told her that I wasn't saying that I was sorry, just that I missed her. It had been a while since I had actually tried to make progress with her and neither of us said sorry, though, I wish she had actually said the word instead of the round about way we are both fond of doing. We ended up talking about books and our favorite television show Doctor Who. It reminded me why she is my 'sister'. Things are still a bit shaky between us. I'm not sure if we'll ever be as close as before but at least we are on speaking terms. She was/is in my life for too long and far too much for me to just simply erase her from it. It's sisterly love. It's unexplainable, like all love I guess. I just hope we wont fight again.
For my study skills class we have to do research on a topic and make a speech on it. I chose PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm a bit worried because the kids in the class are not the most mature nor the smartest but I have decided that I don't care. If I'm typing this blog for anyone in the world to read I might as well do a speech on PTSD. Besides, it will give me a good opportunity to help myself and to have an excuse as to why Im looking it up when I get caught. It really is scary when I look back on how horrible I use to be. The long sleepless nights, the unbearable pain, the tears. Luckily I had found strength to not loose myself completely and give up. Luckily I had my best friend and later my light to help me. I turned out to be my own physiologist, though I know I only hurt myself deeper sometimes but I am one of the few that have almost made it out on my own. Sometimes the darkness swallows me again but I always find the strength to ask for help and to take it and to let myself get better. Someday I hope everyone finds a way to leave the darkness completely behind and just be happy. Cast off the shadows and chains of pain and fly like we are suppose to. I hope we can all believe someday that it was not our fault and that we deserve to be living and thriving and living joyously. It is our right.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I wonder if I ever cross your mind, I wish I could forget, not fix.
The friend that I have lost tried to apologize last night. She explained to me that she hadn't meant any of what she said and that she was trying to say something else. I listen to what she had to say with an open heart but her words had no effect on me. I could only sit there numbly as she poured her words out into the open, begging me for a response that I did not give. I could have made a choice then. I could have said something to calm her fears and to mend our friendship but I could not. If I had given her an answer in my numbly state, I could now be regretting my words. I know I should have told her why I couldn't give her an answer right then. In truth, I just wanted to curl up some place and watch the world go by, I wanted to be some where safe where people laughed and none held dark secrets, but most of all, I wanted to sleep an uninterrupted slumber. A sleep so pure and deep that when I woke I didn't feel any of the weight of my troubles. I wouldn't feel the disappointment, the fear, the frustration, the sadness. I would just feel happy, the bliss of being alive and waking to a bright morning sky. I would feel how I am suppose to feel. No pain, not numbness, no over taking sadness, no rage for what I couldn't control, and no fear of being casted into darkness again by the slowly setting sun.
I wish I could have mended what had been broken with my friend, most of all I wish neither of us had spoken any of the hateful words, that none of this had happened. I wish we were still friends, or at least, I felt like we could still be. I wonder if she'll ever stop worrying about me, I wonder if I'll forget about her. I hope she changes for the better, I hope I'm on the right path of life. I pray that nothing like what has happen to me happens to her, I pray this doesn't happen to me again. I know I should say my final goodbye to her but I cant seem to find the words. How do you say goodbye to a friend of six years? How do you just walk away with out looking back? I do not even know if I want to. I don't know if this is suppose to be our final goodbye. I just don't know what I am suppose to say to fix things. I wish I could just forget it all.
Im sorry there isn't much help nor hope in this. he numbness still has it's hold on me. I didn't see my light much today, and not at all yesterday. My good hearted spirits that he inspires within me are wearing thin and I am grimly looking toward tomorrow when yet again I will not feel the touch of his light upon my soul. I will be fine, though, tomorrow will be dark. I have drowned in darkness for a much longer amount of time then just a day. I am sure I will prove strong enough to keep my demons at bay untill I am with him again.
Keep strong. Keep fighting. Keep faith. The dark wont last long.
I wish I could have mended what had been broken with my friend, most of all I wish neither of us had spoken any of the hateful words, that none of this had happened. I wish we were still friends, or at least, I felt like we could still be. I wonder if she'll ever stop worrying about me, I wonder if I'll forget about her. I hope she changes for the better, I hope I'm on the right path of life. I pray that nothing like what has happen to me happens to her, I pray this doesn't happen to me again. I know I should say my final goodbye to her but I cant seem to find the words. How do you say goodbye to a friend of six years? How do you just walk away with out looking back? I do not even know if I want to. I don't know if this is suppose to be our final goodbye. I just don't know what I am suppose to say to fix things. I wish I could just forget it all.
Im sorry there isn't much help nor hope in this. he numbness still has it's hold on me. I didn't see my light much today, and not at all yesterday. My good hearted spirits that he inspires within me are wearing thin and I am grimly looking toward tomorrow when yet again I will not feel the touch of his light upon my soul. I will be fine, though, tomorrow will be dark. I have drowned in darkness for a much longer amount of time then just a day. I am sure I will prove strong enough to keep my demons at bay untill I am with him again.
Keep strong. Keep fighting. Keep faith. The dark wont last long.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
He's gone and I cant stop thinking
My youngest brother is gone. My mom and I drove him over to my grandparents house and dropped him off for the week. He had school problems at his old school so now he goes to a school over by my grandparents. It always hurts to drive away knowing I'll be left in a house with my other brother for a whole week without even a glimpse of my youngest brother. The one good thing that comes out of him being gone is that I can sleep in to his room. His room is the only place I can sleep, the only place where the flashbacks and nightmares can't reach me. I have one more night to put up with the flashbacks and terror, tomorrow I'll be in my sanctuary, i just wish it was tonight. A lot of thoughts are running through my head,the assignment I still have to do for school on Tuesday, seeing my other brother with his shirt off and almost puking because of it, my friend who I miss and yet know she'll probably be lost forever, my light who has problems of his own and hoping I wont get hurt because of them, and flashbacks. Sometimes I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through this and sometimes I want to cry, but I was raised to be strong, stronger then most, and I was raised not to cry and not to feel sorry for myself. Lately I have been realizing that how I was raised was not exactly right, sometimes crying shows you're strong enough to do so, and sometimes you need to allow your self to feel sad for the things that has happen. No matter how much I wish not to be, I'm only human and I cant change that.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Happy Birthday little Brother!!!
Today is my youngest brothers birthday (I am the oldest of two brothers), and I am flying high on M&M's! He is 13 today and I cant help but make a fool of my self by bursting out in happy birthday songs and sisterly annoyances! He is my favorite brother and seeing him grow up and becoming a teenager makes me smile! I remember when he was just a kid climbing on top of the refrigerator and jumping off of it thinking he could fly. Reminiscing about my brother and being so filled with joy almost makes me forget the past, almost. It lurks on the outside but it wont interfere today. Today is a joy-est day and I wont let anything come in between it! Today is a good day ant it is filled with hope! May you all find happiness in today, even if the sky is gloomy and gray.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
It's too much sometimes
Today started a year and so many months ago. I remember the day so clearly. What he said, what he did, his hateful touch, his smell, and my screaming thoughts, my unshed tears, and the words that were kept silent for so long. I keep those days with me always. The days when it was almost every night when he would enter my room and touch me. I remember the day when it stopped being just a brother and sister pretending to fight and the day I decided to refuse him no matter what his threats. These thoughts haunt my mind forever and scar my heart. The pain is the hardest to carry and the hardest to erase. it s the pain that cause my meltdown last night. For a long while I was trapped in my room silently screaming words of hate and remorse, lashing out into the dark at not only myself but the demons that I can not see. I quietly yelled at my mother and cursed my brother. I asked questions that no one answered. Flashbacks attacked me and left me crumpled in a shaking heap. After I gained some strength I found my way to my computer and found comfort in the words of my light. It was not untill 2:00 this morning that i could allow myself to leave him and let him sleep. He has saved me so many times and I can only be grateful he has not left me. i hope everyone can find someone who can be their light in the dark. We all deserve it.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A hello, a warning, an explanation, and some hope
Hello. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it is not a good topic to read about but it is an important one. Much of this will alarm you and trigger you and yes you will want to call someone to come help me, but I have done well on my own. I have grown a lot and yes most of the growing has been with the help of my amazing friend and my 'light', but mostly it is because I have allowed myself to grow. Everyone can grow and heal and live. It is their right and to do so happily.
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