My mom told me that I was becoming very snotty the otherday. Something that she has been telling me all year. She blamed it on my friends and my light. Thats why I'm always reluctant to tell her about my light or my friends. My mom truly doesn't understand because when she was young she was so much more different then I am. I know. She's told me stories. She had friends who were drug addicts and backstabbers. My mom doesn't know how important or how a friend can be closer then family because she never had a true one. She was also the one that had tons of guy friends and she even dated five at a time once. I really hate it when my mom blames my friends or someone else for my behavior. It's not true! I am responsible for my own actions. I am not easily impressionable. I don't have bad friends, I have amazing ones who basically are my family. If she thinks them so bad then she really needs to look in the mirror and remember her friends. She hasn't even met half of mine! When ever I get in a fight with a friend she acts as if I had gotten rid of something distasteful and tells me I they weren't good enough for me! You would think that after me going through elementary school with hardly any friends, she, as a mother, would be glad that I have as many friends as I do and help me keep the really close ones and help me solve a fight instead of encouraging it. I know that I am going to have to fight with her about that all my life... stupid mom... sorry I had to say that. Another thing she talked about was me not hugging my brother, the monster, the jerk. He has been whining at her and anyone that would listen about me not hugging him any more. At first she ignored him or told him to grow up but I guess she is sick of his complaining like a spoiled fucking jackass baby. Sorry for my language. I'm not NOT NOT NOT under any circumstances going to hug that dumb assed sick-o. He can shove it and so can my mom, its NOT happening! Sometimes I wish she would just figure it out. Sometimes I wish I could give her the poem that I wrote on it. I can hardly stand to look at him let alone his touch. I feel like I have to take a shower after it. Even if I feel his eyes on me I want to shower or run away.
Its been two months officially that I have been with my light. We didn't really do anything but I did go and see the school play that he was in and after we hung out around the school talking with my best friend. It was amazing. He held me and I felt as though all the world was right. Once my friend left my light and I got into my van and couldn't think of anything to do. We are both rather odd like that. Ten o'clock at night, two teens, a van, no where to go and what do we do? We drive to a cemetery and end up turning around because I was afraid that the zombie apocalypse would start and the zombies would attack my van. Yeah. I'm interesting like that. After that I took him home. I kind of wish we have done more. He has been so stressed lately, he forgot to say goodnight last night. sigh. It was a little thing and not really a big deal but it still worried me. Im a worry wart but I do have a right to worry, thats how I be careful. I don't know why Im worrying though. He tells me that he loves me and that he doesn't want to hold me back. And there go's the other voice saying he feels that now but will he feel that later? GAH!! I need to learn how to shut up the voice of doubt. Will the feeling ever go away so that I might love freely and without worrying all the time? I don't want to end up like the girl in the Flyleaf song Circle. The lady in the song didn't believe that her fiance loved her and one night she followed him thinking that he was cheating on her and confronted him. When she turned to leave a robber came out of no where and threatened to kill her. The man ended up giving his life for her. The lady ended up learning that he really did love her too late. I don't want that to happen to me. EVER. It would destroy me. I should do something to make us closer. I'm always busy and it's not fair towards him. Maybe I'll cancel my weekend plans and spend saturday with him... wow... never thought I would do that.... cancel plans just because of a boy.... great... now my stubborn streak is coming out. I need to get a hold on my emotions again. They have been running ramped for far to long.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
This blog is to help, not only me, but for the ones also going through this, as well for the ones who know someone going through this and are having trouble understanding them. This blog will probably cause triggers and if/when those occur please do what ever you need to take care of you. On here I have a list of websites that can help you, or where you can find others like you. This blog will be hard to swallow, but it is one that needs to be written and read. Blessings to you all.
Websites for further help
Survivor Bill of Rights
As a Matter of Personal AUTHORITY, You Have the Right ...
...to manage your life according to your own values and judgment
...to direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals, effort, or progress
...to gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery
...to seek help from a variety of sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity
...to decline help from anyone without having to justify the decision
...to have faith in your powers of self restoration -- and to seek allies who share it
...to trust allies in healing as much as any adult can trust another, but no more
...to be afraid and to avoid what frightens you
...to decide for yourself whether, when, and where to confront your fear
...to learn by experimenting, that is, to make mistakes.
For the Preservation of Personal BOUNDARIES, You Have the Right ...
...to be touched only with your permission, and only in ways that are comfortable
...to choose to speak or remain silent, about any topic or at any moment
...to choose to accept or decline feedback, suggestions, or interpretations
...to ask for help in healing, without having to accept help with work, play, or love
...to challenge any crossing of your boundaries
...to take appropriate action to end any trespass that does not cease when challenged.
In the Sphere of Personal COMMUNICATION, You Have the Right ...
...to ask for explanation of communications you do not understand
...to express a contrary view when you do understand and you disagree
...to acknowledge your feelings, without having to justify them as assertions of fact or actions affecting others
...to ask for changes when your needs are not being met
...to speak of your experience, with respect for your doubts and uncertainties
...to resolve doubt without deferring to the views or wishes of anyone.
Specific to the DOMAIN of Psychotherapy, You Have the Right ...
...to hire a therapist or counselor as coach, not boss, of your recovery
...to receive expert and faithful assistance in healing from your therapist
...to be assured that your therapist will refuse to engage in any other relationship with you --business, social, or sexual -- for life
...to be secure against revelation of anything you have disclosed to your therapist, unless a court of law commands it
...to have your therapist's undivided loyalty in relation to any and all perpetrators, abusers, or oppressors
...to receive informative answers to questions about your condition, your hopes for recovery, the goals and methods of treatment, the therapist's qualifications
...to have a strong interest by your therapist in your safety, with a readiness to use all legal means to neutralize an imminent threat to your life or someone else's
...to have your therapist's commitment to you not depend on your "good behavior," unless criminal activity or ongoing threats to safety are involved
...to know reliably the times of sessions and of your therapist's availability, including, if you so desire, a commitment to work together for a set term
...to telephone your therapist between regular scheduled sessions, in urgent need, and have the call returned within a reasonable time
...to be taught skills that lessen risk of retraumatisation containment (reliable temporal/spatial boundaries for recovery work);(b) systematic relaxation;(c) control of attention and imagery (through trance or other techniques)
...to reasonable physical comfort during sessions.
© 1995 by Thomas V. Maguire, Ph.D.191 King Street, Chappaqua, NY 10514.tmaguire@pipeline.com
All rights reserved, except that permission is hereby granted to freely reproduce and distribute this document, provided that it is reproduced unaltered in its entirety and distributed free of charge
About Me and This Blog
- Chasm
- I am not a professional, even though I want to help I can only tell you my story and show you that you are not alone in this. I have a mother who has not been emotionally all there, I have also a brother who has molested me both abusively and sexually. I like to write poetry and my favorite band, who has saved my life over and over, is called Flyleaf. I have lost one friend because of my past, have become farther apart from others, and closer to my best friend and also have been lucky enough to have a boyfriend who still loves me and also saves me in more ways then he'll ever know, he is my light. This blog will tell you of my story.
Why Black?
Some of you might be wondering why this blog is black. It is fitting for the dark topic that I am writing about, but it is also because black uses less energy from your computer the light up. Yup, I'm a tree hugger and I care for the environment and want to go into the environmental science program in college.
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment