Freak out.

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I never want to be in love again. It's stupid. It's all hype. Thats it. You get all excited and then it's all one big let down from there. I hate careing for someone more then a friend and I hate being paranoid and I hate being distracted by a person when in the end you guys just are best friends who hold hands and kiss. It's a stupid hype and I cant get around my doubt that anyone could love me and I'll end up like the lady in this one song if Im not careful and I dont want that. Love is stupid. My little kidself was right to think so. I am the one with the problem. I hate love. I really do. I hate  being the girl who is happiest when I'm with him. I hate always thinking of him. I hate worrying over a guy. I hate crying over a guy. I hate it I hate it I hate it! its weak and stupid. I wont. I refuse. I wont be tricked. I dont think this will ever go away. People are stupid, love is stupid. Everything is stupid and I dont want it any more. He hasnt given me a reason to doubt him but hasnt given me a reason not to. No one ever has. Fuck the world. It's greatest scam was love. We're just here as someones sick idea of entertainment. probably an alien experiment or something. Maybe we dont even exsist so who needs love. All it does is over populate the world causeing more and more shitty problems that need to be fixed which will cause another proplem and so on. The end of the world better end in an explosion or else I wont be satisfied. If we just staied a big blob of rock and lava and fire it would have been better. People screw up the world and each other. People say they love eachother all the time. Next thing you know they are married for 20 years, have kids and the guy is cheating and the womans a whore, the kids are messed up and it all started with the stupid words of "I love you." and the idiotic beleif that the other meant it. Im not going to participate in that. Im just not capable of love and Im okay with that because everyone cheats and lies and destroy. There is no way around it. People deserved to be understood. Loved, no. For all i know love is just a deep understanding and apresiation for another person who understands you. Love is just a word. nothing more. I refuse to beleive in a hype, a trick, a measly word. I wont be the one who gets hurt and turned into a blubbering baby who cant stand on my own. At least I can say I tried. I just got out before it took over. He thinks it's love now but  he'll get over it.
Thats it. Im done

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Sadly that is an exert from what I wrote to my best friends during my freak out on the 27th of April. Soon after I started to force myself to believe all of those horrible words my chest started to tighten. I couldn't breath and every time I tried it hurt so much. The pain wouldn't stop no matter what I did. I was so scared. How can any one as amazing as my light love someone as messed up as me? Someone who is so broken that they can hardly stand on their own. I don't know how he dose it. I know I wouldn't be able to. Perhaps thats why I have had a hard time keeping to nasty little doubting and loathing voices locked away. But now I believe him, with all my heart because even after I told him all of the above he responded with this; "Everyone else would say I'm crazy, but I don't care that you said all that stuff.  I still love you just as much as I did before I read what you said.  Except now I really want to give you a hug so you can come and see love as more than just a word and a stupid emotion." We talked about it a bit afterwords and I couldn't stop myself from telling him that I was sorry. I felt as though I had hurt him deeply, something I have never wanted to do, but he just told me that I didn't have to be. The next day I still felt some of the pain that I had caused myself. It was like bruises all around my heart and lungs. I never thought that it would go away I had even written two poems about it. Once I told my light abut the pain and how if I had kept it i probably would have put myself in the hospital it disappeared. I'm not sure how my light can erase my pain but he can and he does.

Worrying.

My mom told me that I was becoming very snotty the otherday. Something that she has been telling me all year. She blamed it on my friends and my light. Thats why I'm always reluctant to tell her about my light or my friends. My mom truly doesn't understand because when she was young she was so much more different then I am. I know. She's told me stories. She had friends who were drug addicts and backstabbers. My mom doesn't know how important or how a friend can be closer then family because she never had a true one. She was also the one that had tons of guy friends and she even dated five at a time once. I really hate it when my mom blames my friends or someone else for my behavior. It's not true! I am responsible for my own actions. I am not easily impressionable. I don't have bad friends, I have amazing ones who basically are my family. If she thinks them so bad then she really needs to look in the mirror and remember her friends. She hasn't even met half of mine! When ever I get in a fight with a friend she acts as if I had gotten rid of something distasteful and tells me I they weren't good enough for me! You would think that after me going through elementary school with hardly any friends, she, as a mother, would be glad that I have as many friends as I do and help me keep the really close ones and help me solve a fight instead of encouraging it. I know that I am going to have to fight with her about that all my life... stupid mom... sorry I had to say that. Another thing she talked about was me not hugging my brother, the monster, the jerk. He has been whining at her and anyone that would listen about me not hugging him any more. At first she ignored him or told him to grow up but I guess she is sick of his complaining like a spoiled fucking jackass baby. Sorry for my language. I'm not NOT NOT NOT under any circumstances going to hug that dumb assed sick-o. He can shove it and so can my mom, its NOT happening! Sometimes I wish she would just figure it out. Sometimes I wish I could give her the poem that I wrote on it. I can hardly stand to look at him let alone his touch. I feel like I have to take a shower after it. Even if I feel his eyes on me I want to shower or run away.

Its been two months officially that I have been with my light. We didn't really do anything but I did go and see the school play that he was in and after we hung out around the school talking with my best friend. It was amazing. He held me and I felt as though all the world was right. Once my friend left my light and I got into my van and couldn't think of anything to do. We are both rather odd like that. Ten o'clock at night, two teens, a van, no where to go and what do we do? We drive to a cemetery and end up turning around because I was afraid that the zombie apocalypse would start and the zombies would attack my van. Yeah. I'm interesting like that. After that I took him home. I kind of wish we have done more. He has been so stressed lately, he forgot to say goodnight last night. sigh. It was a little thing and not really a big deal but it still worried me. Im a worry wart but I do have a right to worry, thats how I be careful. I don't know why Im worrying though. He tells me that he loves me and that he doesn't want to hold me back. And there go's the other voice saying he feels that now but will he feel that later? GAH!! I need to learn how to shut up the voice of doubt. Will the feeling ever go away so that I might love freely and without worrying all the time? I don't want to end up like the girl in the Flyleaf song Circle. The lady in the song didn't believe that her fiance loved her and one night she followed him thinking that he was cheating on her and confronted him. When she turned to leave a robber came out of no where and threatened to kill her. The man ended up giving his life for her. The lady ended up learning that he really did love her too late. I don't want that to happen to me. EVER. It would destroy me. I should do something to make us closer. I'm always busy and it's not fair towards him. Maybe I'll cancel my weekend plans and spend saturday with him... wow... never thought I would do that.... cancel plans just because of a boy.... great... now my stubborn streak is coming out. I need to get a hold on my emotions again. They have been running ramped for far to long.

Time to get you all caught up on the latest. Sorry for the neglect.

My light kissed me on the cheek the fourteenth. I was shocked. As my light held me in his arms I kept wondering if my light would, wondering how I would react, and just as I was about to let go my light kissed me and all the world stood still. I remember sinking into his arms and my mind starting to spin. I was suddenly so light. My mind was a feather, the place where my light's lips had touched tingled for hours after, even now I can feel the faint tingle. It was just a kiss on the cheek, nothing big nor romantic, it was just plain cute, and I could not have been happier. For a moment nothing mattered and when my light let go, after I had remembered the others waiting for us, My light went ahead as I stopped and leaned up against a shelf. I felt so light I was amazed that I wasn't floating right off the earth. So much happiness was rushing through me I seriously felt like I was on drugs or had used harsh cleaning chemicals with the door shut. The smile on my face just wouldn't leave. That goofy smile that is meant for only him, my light. When I got home I suspected that his lips had made a mark but none was visible. Nothing could lessen my happiness and that night I fell asleep with a smile on my face, in my own room.
The next morning though, my mom couldn't find the van keys and I was blamed of course. The day progressed to be a bit better even though most of it was spent in the van with him, my brother, the monster, the jerk off. The weekend was bad though. So bad. Friday night I started crying. I felt so pitiful and lost and alone. Im not even sure what triggered it, seeing as how I was at my grandparents house for the weekend to watch their year old german short-haired puppy and not at mine. The sadness stopped me from helping my best friend and I had left her without saying goodbye, which in turn made me feel useless. It truly is dangerous for me to be left alone with my thoughts for too long. The sadness lasted untill almost eight o'clock on saturday when my light called me on my cell phone. We hardly talked about anything at all but it brightened my mood immensely. His voice is the only thing that can calm me down and make me happy again when I am in that state. I cant explain why or how, but it is the truth, he is my light and I want to keep it that way forever.

Yesterday I sent my friend, the one I thought that I had lost, lyrics to two songs by the Beetles . Hey Jude and All You Need is Love. I told her that I wasn't saying that I was sorry, just that I missed her. It had been a while since I had actually tried to make progress with her and neither of us said sorry, though, I wish she had actually said the word instead of the round about way we are both fond of doing. We ended up talking about books and our favorite television show Doctor Who. It reminded me why she is my 'sister'. Things are still a bit shaky between us. I'm not sure if we'll ever be as close as before but at least we are on speaking terms. She was/is in my life for too long and far too much for me to just simply erase her from it. It's sisterly love. It's unexplainable, like all love I guess. I just hope we wont fight again.

For my study skills class we have to do research on a topic and make a speech on it. I chose PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm a bit worried because the kids in the class are not the most mature nor the smartest but I have decided that I don't care. If I'm typing this blog for anyone in the world to read I might as well do a speech on PTSD. Besides, it will give me a good opportunity to help myself and to have an excuse as to why Im looking it up when I get caught. It really is scary when I look back on how horrible I use to be. The long sleepless nights, the unbearable pain, the tears. Luckily I had found strength to not loose myself completely and give up. Luckily I had my best friend and later my light to help me. I turned out to be my own physiologist, though I know I only hurt myself deeper sometimes but I am one of the few that have almost made it out on my own. Sometimes the darkness swallows me again but I always find the strength to ask for help and to take it and to let myself get better. Someday I hope everyone finds a way to leave the darkness completely behind and just be happy. Cast off the shadows and chains of pain and fly like we are suppose to. I hope we can all believe someday that it was not our fault and that we deserve to be living and thriving and living joyously. It is our right.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind, I wish I could forget, not fix.

The friend that I have lost tried to apologize last night. She explained to me that she hadn't meant any of what she said and that she was trying to say something else. I listen to what she had to say with an open heart but her words had no effect on me. I could only sit there numbly as she poured her words out into the open, begging me for a response that I did not give. I could have made a choice then. I could have said something to calm her fears and to mend our friendship but I could not. If I had given her an answer in my numbly state, I could now be regretting my words. I know I should have told her why I couldn't give her an answer right then. In truth, I just wanted to curl up some place and watch the world go by, I wanted to be some where safe where people laughed and none held dark secrets, but most of all, I wanted to sleep an uninterrupted slumber. A sleep so pure and deep that when I woke I didn't feel any of the weight of my troubles. I wouldn't feel the disappointment, the fear, the frustration, the sadness. I would just feel happy, the bliss of being alive and waking to a bright morning sky. I would feel how I am suppose to feel. No pain, not numbness, no over taking sadness, no rage for what I couldn't control, and no fear of being casted into darkness again by the slowly setting sun.
I wish I could have mended what had been broken with my friend, most of all I wish neither of us had spoken any of the hateful words, that none of this had happened. I wish we were still friends, or at least, I felt like we could still be. I wonder if she'll ever stop worrying about me, I wonder if I'll forget about her. I hope she changes for the better, I hope I'm on the right path of life. I pray that nothing like what has happen to me happens to her, I pray this doesn't happen to me again. I know I should say my final goodbye to her but I cant seem to find the words. How do you say goodbye to a friend of six years? How do you just walk away with out looking back? I do not even know if I want to. I don't know if this is suppose to be our final goodbye. I just don't know what I am suppose to say to fix things. I wish I could just forget it all.
Im sorry there isn't much help nor hope in this. he numbness still has it's hold on me. I didn't see my light much today, and not at all yesterday. My good hearted spirits that he inspires within me are wearing thin and I am grimly looking toward tomorrow when yet again I will not feel the touch of his light upon my soul. I will be fine, though, tomorrow will be dark. I have drowned in darkness for a much longer amount of time then just a day. I am sure I will prove strong enough to keep my demons at bay untill I am with him again.
Keep strong. Keep fighting. Keep faith. The dark wont last long.

He's gone and I cant stop thinking

My youngest brother is gone. My mom and I drove him over to my grandparents house and dropped him off for the week. He had school problems at his old school so now he goes to a school over by my grandparents. It always hurts to drive away knowing I'll be left in a house with my other brother for a whole week without even a glimpse of my youngest brother. The one good thing that comes out of him being gone is that I can sleep in to his room. His room is the only place I can sleep, the only place where the flashbacks and nightmares can't reach me. I have one more night to put up with the flashbacks and terror, tomorrow I'll be in my sanctuary, i just wish it was tonight. A lot of thoughts are running through my head,the assignment I still have to do for school on Tuesday, seeing my other brother with his shirt off and almost puking because of it, my friend who I miss and yet know she'll probably be lost forever, my light who has problems of his own and hoping I wont get hurt because of them, and flashbacks. Sometimes I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through this and sometimes I want to cry, but I was raised to be strong, stronger then most, and I was raised not to cry and not to feel sorry for myself. Lately I have been realizing that how I was raised was not exactly right, sometimes crying shows you're strong enough to do so, and sometimes you need to allow your self to feel sad for the things that has happen. No matter how much I wish not to be, I'm only human and I cant change that.

Happy Birthday little Brother!!!

Today is my youngest brothers birthday (I am the oldest of two brothers), and I am flying high on M&M's! He is 13 today and I cant help but make a fool of my self by bursting out in happy birthday songs and sisterly annoyances! He is my favorite brother and seeing him grow up and becoming a teenager makes me smile! I remember when he was just a kid climbing on top of the refrigerator and jumping off of it thinking he could fly. Reminiscing about my brother and being so filled with joy almost makes me forget the past, almost. It lurks on the outside but it wont interfere today. Today is a joy-est day and I wont let anything come in between it! Today is a good day ant it is filled with hope! May you all find happiness in today, even if the sky is gloomy and gray.

It's too much sometimes

Today started a year and so many months ago. I remember the day so clearly. What he said, what he did, his hateful touch, his smell, and my screaming thoughts, my unshed tears, and the words that were kept silent for so long. I keep those days with me always. The days when it was almost every night when he would enter my room and touch me. I remember the day when it stopped being just a brother and sister pretending to fight and the day I decided to refuse him no matter what his threats. These thoughts haunt my mind forever and scar my heart. The pain is the hardest to carry and the hardest to erase. it s the pain that cause my meltdown last night. For a long while I was trapped in my room silently screaming words of hate and remorse, lashing out into the dark at not only myself but the demons that I can not see. I quietly yelled at my mother and cursed my brother. I asked questions that no one answered. Flashbacks attacked me and left me crumpled in a shaking heap. After I gained some strength I found my way to my computer and found comfort in the words of my light. It was not untill 2:00 this morning that i could allow myself to leave him and let him sleep. He has saved me so many times and I can only be grateful he has not left me. i hope everyone can find someone who can be their light in the dark. We all deserve it.

A hello, a warning, an explanation, and some hope

Hello. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it is not a good topic to read about but it is an important one. Much of this will alarm you and trigger you and yes you will want to call someone to come help me, but I have done well on my own. I have grown a lot and yes most of the growing has been with the help of my amazing friend and my 'light', but mostly it is because I have allowed myself to grow. Everyone can grow and heal and live. It is their right and to do so happily.